I could be loud man, I could be silent...

Shotgun Peace

admin — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:34:28 +0000

At the end of the shotgun, you find the stock…
At the end of the stock, you find the receiver…
Beneath the receiver, you find the trigger…
In front of the trigger, you find the magazine…
Above the magazine, you find the barrel…
At the end of the barrel, you find a head…
Inside the head, you find pain.
At the end of the pain, you find peace.

The Dove

admin — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:48:32 +0000

There once was a dove I loved,
True as an angel from up above,
The dove was wholesome and the dove was free,
The dove meant so much to me.

But I grew greedy and the dove grew mad,
She found someplace with more than I had,
The dove flew away and never returned,
If only the dove knew how much I burned.

Life’s not fair and love’s never good,
I wish the dove had understood,
I wish she had judged me not so fast,
I wish the dove and I had last.

The dove is still happy and the dove is still free.
The dove has found someone better than me.
The dove will never known it because I’ll be a blur,
The dove will never know - how much I miss her.

And so I sit waiting, remembering my friend,
I miss her every night, down to the end,
I’ve got another bird but she’ll never ever be
As important as the dove was to me.

I sit here alone regretting the past,
Not because things didn’t last,
But because I didn’t see her more when things were good,
And because I didn’t treat her like a dove, the dove I should.

Our time was short, and my memories go fast…
I have nothing to remember the dove by…
…besides the empty cage…
…and the empty hole within.

Moonshine Thoughts

admin — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:57:43 +0000

Sitting in silence, pain is muffled…
My pen becomes a rigor-mortis singer…
Thinking he’s erased the death
of a gutter, road kill dove…
It leaves me speechless…
The old pen writes my sympathy…
…to the frog, rat, dove who loved him…
…moonshine creates beauty, never dying…
just empty….

…always empty… …and regretful to what is gone.

Counting

admin — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:35:56 +0000

We will count together,
My best friend and I,
We will count together,
As each day goes by.

One crimson wound for each day that we suffer,
One scarring memory for each day that’s tougher,
Reaching down deep and feeling me within,
Knowing my tragedy, my sickness, my sin.

It will keep my memories and make me warm,
It will remind me of the regret and the way I transform.

We will count together,
My best friend and I.
We will count together,
As each day goes by.

Locked Up

admin — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:58:00 +0000

Just a thought as I look off into space,
I must have been thinking of the tracks on your face,
When I shut the door and threw out the key,
When I gave up on you, like you gave up on me.

I packaged my boxes and bundled my bags,
The things I called riches had turned into rags,
I locked up your drawer and never looked back,
I turned out the lights, like you turned my life black.

I closed out my memories and quit on my brain,
The things I called joy I now called insane,
You made a choice, so I did my fuckin part,
I locked up my mind, and I locked out my heart.

I’m Happy for You…

admin — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 07:02:16 +0000

No matter the pangs, the pains we’ve been through;
Forgetting the troubles and things done to you;
Despite all the anguish and and the regretful skew;
I want you to know I’m happy for you.

Ignoring the hurt and all things gone sour;
Even though my hopes been devoured;
I want you to know your smile has the power;
To turn a nightmare into a flower.

Although I’m hideous and though I rage;
I want you to know you’re on a different page;
And when I rank what matters, when I gauge;
Your feelings, not mine, are center stage.

So I’m happy you’re smiling and found who you want to be;
I hope it opens you up and sets you free;
Because you deserve to feel nothing but glee;
And I’m happy for you, it’s what matters to me.

Rape of the Mind, Spirit, and Heart

admin — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 16:21:12 +0000

I am not a slayer, a separated, or a saint.
I am just me, doing my best.
Through countless years of failure,
I’ve lost all desire to care.

How can I always lend a hand to others,
But ignore the cries of pain within myself?
It brings me joy to think of your smile,
But my emptiness still sits up on the shelf.

It’s not my smile, never was, never will be.
It’s his and he presses it upon his lips,
And though you give him your body willingly,
Its pure rape of my mind, my spirit, and my heart.

I’d like to make all the right moves,
Be a good person, not hurt anyone, not panic,
But I’m so broken and can’t be repaired.
It’s hard to do the right thing when your motors broken and the screws have all come out.

Inside my heart will always bleed,
But I will never let it be shown on my face,
Only the tear that falls down my cheek,
Or the blood that drips from my lips.

Countless headaches and heartaches,
Vomiting up my liver from the pure anguish of vision,
A young man and young woman together,
Beautiful, isn’t it, the way it makes me choke up my dinner.

Sunrise and sunset are terrible,
Thinking of you and him,
But the time in between is murder,
Just praying for another storm.

I suffocate when I try to breathe
The chains won’t let my body go
I have dreams, and needs, and wants
My body is numb, my spirit – gone.

I’m burning my brain dead,
Anything to erase the vision from my mind,
The thought of you that used to be heaven,
Became a vision of two, and I must empty my mind.

I struggle with demons each day,
You feed them while you slowly watch me die,
Knawing at my flesh, draining the fluids,
Victimized by every moment you have with him.

Its ironic how you can rape the mind, the spirit, the heart.
Screaming “NO!” while you forcibly insert your lips onto his,
Tearing up my insides until they are purple and red,
Leaving me dead on the floor, as though I’d been knife-fucked.

I lie here and I die…
Traumatized, insides swollen, raped without the pleasure.
…no wait, the pleasure is his.
I am merely a victim.

Chained down, taunted, and prodded.
Inserted, abused, and torn apart.
Raped, and then left there dying in my juices…
…while you two cuddle and hold hands.

…who would have known…
…you can be raped of the mind, spirit, and heart.

Spaceship to a Star

admin — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:11:29 +0000

You want me to forget you,
And you want me to move on,
Although I keep on trying,
The thoughts will not be gone.

You’re up there in the heavens,
So far and out of reach,
And even though I feel for you,
I feel like a leech.

You may call it obsession,
Or love or want or need,
And whatever you will call it,
It will be agreed.

Because I know it is a weakness,
It haunts me every hour,
And though I try to forget you,
You’re still my perfect flower.

I know things have not been good,
And I am sure they won’t get better,
In fact I feel worse,
As I type each and every letter.

I can’t explain my feelings,
Time spent trying is not worthwhile,
The part that makes me feel worst,
Is I used to make you smile.

But you’re still gleaming away out there,
I know you’re something grand,
I want to build a spaceship,
To try to reach your hand.

I want to feel your touch again,
Your soft and lovely skin,
I feel so lost and distant,
I feel so lost within.

Nothing is as warm or good,
As feeling you by my side,
And every time I lie alone,
I feel like somethings died.

I think of you with others,
How happy you must be,
It really makes me disappointed,
In everything that’s me.

I keep on pushing you further,
And I don’t know what to do,
I’m scratching at the walls, screaming,
“Why don’t you love me too??”

Things did not start out so good,
And they will not end well either,
As much as I try to forget about you,
I cannot take a breather.

The most I’ve ever wanted someone,
And yet the most awkward its ever been,
The further away I push you,
My faith is wearing thin.

It used to be nights I shattered,
But now I daydream too,
Everything that I see,
Makes me think of you.

I sit beneath the sky at night,
And I wonder where you are,
But then I spot you looking down,
The most bright and beautiful star.

So I will build a spaceship,
Though I don’t know where to start,
And though I’ll never reach you,
You’ll be closer in my heart.

I don’t know how to build it,
And though it makes me sigh,
The thing I’ve learned through all this pain,
Is that you’re truly worth the try.

If Heaven has an answer,
You’ll see me from afar,
And you’ll come down to meet me,
You’ll be my shooting star.

Theater

admin — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:43:08 +0000

[I]: What a tremendous day to care about something…
[She]: I think I’ll go away now…
[I]: Another day at the theater gone by… …I’d like to try a different performance, but this is the only role I can land.

Numbness

admin — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:29:57 +0000

Stillness, a silence intact,
Staring off at the bazaar of life with no tickets,
Hearing the tick-tock with no venture and no gain,
Just a solemn numbness.

A lucky prick might lead to blood gushing through,
Or at least some kind of feeling,
For I desire to feel the sensation of ecstasy’s blissful release,
Rupturing amid a yearning heart, recklessly bending it askew.

A chaotic mind needs chaos, preferably the good kind,
Having trouble amid a tranquil water’s cruise,
Poison my fading spirit with deceiving lies to inflict despair,
For I’m done warily mending the relics of a shattered dream.

I’m bitter now from breathing such tainted air,
Unable to perform what is expected of me, unwilling to reach out,
Hurl any form of hatred in my face but I won’t even wince,
For my essence is now an abyss, gratitude to everyone I’ve ever lost.

Tap-dance on my portrayal of love, pound it like a drum,
Once desired, once content, yet never was it blissful,
Still desired, yet chances fade, what hope is there when you can’t even lift a bone,
Don’t fret, tears won’t be shed, I am completely numb.

If only someone would give me life… …a gift… …I can’t fight for it on my own.